Working Mommy, Part I

I named this entry "part I" because I know it will be topic I return to repeatedly throughout the life of this blog. A well-known urban legend suggests that men think about sex on average every 7 seconds. I am confident that moms who work outside of the home think about their decision to put their child in daycare at least as often as that.

Let me say at the outset that I love my job. It never occurred to me or to Keith that one of us would stay home once we had a child - that is, until after Owen arrived. Then the thought of returning to work, to my dream job, scared the crap out of me. At this point, I can happily say that Owen is absolutely thriving at his school/daycare, and that I am glad we made the decision that we did. Even still, it's hard to find a perfect balance where I feel everything and everyone is getting enough of my attention. I miss my kiddo most of the day. I often leave work feeling like I've gotten nothing done. I imagine both frustrations will always be present.

Owen had a fever yesterday morning, so I stayed home with him. In the late morning, Owen and I went to the park where it was positively swarming with Moms and their kids. The Moms all knew each other, were all relaxing and chatting together on benches while their kids played. It was clear this was their 11-1pm routine every day. I felt so out of place, feeling like I was somehow playing hookey, and I imagined I looked bewildered too - I was half expecting one of them to come up and show me how to use the infant swing with Owen. It felt so foreign to be at the park in the middle of the day on a Tuesday.

Later in the day my boss called me to check in from a conference in the Cayman Islands (rough, isn't it?) not knowing that I was at home. When I told him where I was, he said "Owen is sick again?" I know he didn't mean it like that. My boss is one of the coolest people I know, and has not once insinuated that my work-life balance is out of whack. Although he is patently incapable of turning off his science brain, he is often the first person to suggest that I relax about balancing work and Mommyhood.

But however innocently his comment was intended, it brought up a whole cascade of feelings that I struggle with. Guilt, sadness, defensiveness, exhaustion. Owen has gotten sick regularly - natural for a kid in daycare during the winter. I do register that I've missed at least one day a month of work since coming back from maternity leave. I wonder if I will ever feel that each part of my life is getting enough of my attention. I used to know that I was great at at least one thing - work. Now I question whether I'm doing anything better than 50%, ever.

I am sure it will get easier over time, as Owen becomes more independent, and begins school. We hope that we teach Owen that it is not important that he follow in our footsteps to science, but that he choose to do something he really loves, where he feels that he is contributing something to the world. If I did not genuinely believe that my job is important, and that I am still able to show my child that he is loved - treasured - I wouldn't be a working Mommy. Regardless, I know that it will always be a decision I reassess and redefend - probably only to myself.