Zoom zoom

Owen is better. Mommyhood is back to being blissful. Owen and I went for a walk this morning and he played in the kiddie fountain and we got him some Cars crocs and it has been a fantastic morning that will soon be followed by a trip to the beach.

We passed a woman this morning who was sitting outside of Ross, watiting for it to open. I smiled warmly at her and she stared blankly at me. My eyes immediately looked down at Owen, and I wondered if she interpreted my smile as smug Momminess. I did feel happy and proud of my cute chatterbox showing off his new shoes. But mostly I just felt friendly and generous with a stranger. It contrasted so sharply with other feelings I've had this whole week.

I come back, in my head, over and over to the "roller coaster" cliche. Although at my core I believe that I could think of something more creative, the roller coaster ride really does describe motherhood so well. I've tried to concoct other, better scenarios: my rickety convertible metaphor doesn't completely work. The idea of going up and down a mountain - far too slow to capture motherhood's meteroic highs and lows. Perhaps a fast drive through San Francisco in a car with a bad clutch? Unfortunately that one only really works for locals; it might just make non-locals wonder if you see a lot of rainbow flags and eat lots of seafood and sourdough bread after becoming a mom.

Nothing compares with the emotional ups and downs of motherhood. Not even early marriage, with the constant compromising and dreaming and building of a lifetime foundation one argument and pillow-talk-whisper at a time. Motherhood is rife with heart-clutching love, stomach-punching fear, anxiety that makes you literally dizzy, and a new devotion you could not imagine would happen to you (just all those other moms). And it's perfectly normal to fly through each of these states moment to moment.

Fortunately or unfortunately for anyone reading this blog, you get to see me go through it regularly, especially this week. Fortunately for you, you don't have to read it. Keith was reading this blog the other night, catching up on my retelling of our brutal week. I asked him if I sounded insane. "Not at all," he said. The timing and tone of his reply made me think he was being honest. I think what that means is that fatherhood is just as crazy a ride.